The part of the brain responsible for making the big decisions about smoking, drinking and taking drugs doesn’t mature until the early-to-late 20s which leaves lots and lots of time to make big mistakes, probably life-altering mistakes.
Peer pressure situations involve “hot cognition”, those emotionally-based reactions so typical of teenagers whereas “cold cognition” is the rational, non-emotional way of responding. Dealing with peers is the leading source of stress and kids these days are leaned on to comply in multiple ways because of the “group think” dynamic. They forget to look out for themselves. Teach them ways to make a “no” response funny. “My parents are crazy. If I do this, I’ll be grounded for life” goes a long way toward getting out of shady situations. Teach them refusal skills. Teach them to be assertive, stand tall, look others in the eye and to rate all of their options. Practice with them regularly. Good luck! Claudia Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch At drclaudia.net, click on the "Ask Me" button and send me a question. Do you back off, back down and back up when it comes to dealing with assaults on your beliefs, values and opinions? Is it just tough to stand up for yourself? Some folks find it really hard to advocate for themselves, but what exactly is advocacy? Don't you advocate for other people? Most of the time we think of advocacy when we stand up for others, but that's a limited interpretation of the word. Actually, advocacy is "when people speak or act on their own behalf to improve their quality of life, effect personal change or correct inequalities" and/or "make informed decisions about the supports necessary to meet their needs". Is this what you do? Because of personality traits, family culture or "allergies to conflict", some people find it much easier to stand up for other people than for themselves. Admirable, but not always healthy. I observed an incident at the post office during the holidays when people are, at times, not at their best. A woman came in with a number of small packages and was distressed to learn that she needed to complete a customs form for each one. It's a detailed form requiring an estimation of the weight and value of each item in the box. She mumbled angrily through the process and kept reminding everyone in line that she was "behind her". Once done with her paperwork, she approached the man who was next in line and announced that she was next. He sternly told her that she was to assume her place at the end of the line. She protested emotionally. He stood his ground rationally. The man carefully and respectfully explained to her that all of the people in line were fully prepared when they arrived. She responded that she "didn't know" that she had to complete customs forms. He explained that her failure to prepare was not the burden of the rest of us. He encouraged her to learn from the experience, accept responsibility and conduct herself as an adult. She screamed profanities at him and actually, at all of us, and stomped off. Very mature. The man advocated for himself and us. She attempted to advocate for herself, but lost control, likely, because her argument was weak. If your kid struggles to stand up for themselves, it may be because they are introverts or passive, have features of a dependent personality, are shy or are "Buddhas". Have you answered the question about whether or not they have developmental disabilities such as language processing disorders or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder? These disorders, or social-emotional challenges, may be impacting their ability to get what they need for themselves. Regardless of your child's capabilities, you need to set out on a plan to teach them negotiation skills. The first step is to teach your child that you give them permission to advocate for themselves. You need to make that statement right out loud and to them, directly into their faces, several times. I've been in meetings where teachers say, "All he has to do is ask for help." But, wait! Kids have trouble asking for help because they "don't know what they don't know". They don't understand "how" they learn, "what" they've missed and "why" they keep getting things wrong. For example, if your child struggles with memory and with working quickly and they're sitting in a lecture-based classroom where they have to take notes, they simply will not realize when they've missed information. When they fail the test because their notes were incomplete, how do they even begin to understand "how", "when", and "why" it all fell apart? It's up to the teacher to answer these questions. It's up to the teacher to teach him how he learns and the pitfalls of his learning problems, but she really can't do that without data and that's why he needs to be tested, comprehensively. When a student asks the teacher for help and can't answer when she asks, "What do you need?", they'll suffer shame and humiliation and so, they stop asking questions. It's necessary to teach her to think about "what" she doesn't know. If Mrs. Smith asks her, "What do you want to know?", perhaps her answer is, "I'm not sure what this word means"...or sentence...or instruction. Perhaps her answer is, "I'm not sure how to start this" or "I got stuck right here and don't know what to do next". The older she gets, the more teachers will expect her to help them help her. Get it? You have to draw it out...draw out the process of figuring out the "how" behind asking questions. It goes like this-
She'll need a lot of practice, so role play it out. The more you role play, the more confident and competent she will become. Play, "Let's Make a Deal". I like to think of it as the game show without the costumes and other fun stuff. When she just "takes it" and walks away, call her back. Encourage her to stand up for herself. It's healthy for kids to give a bit of "push back". They should be practicing with family because it's a safer place (hopefully) than "out there". It's necessary for them to challenge you in order to develop their personalities and the skills they need to cope with the world at large. Research indicates that kids who challenge their parents have a greater chance of growing up to be independent and prepared. If you don't teach them to stand up for their right and their beliefs, will you make them vulnerable to being victimized? Yes, they'll be taken advantage of and hurt, physically and/or emotionally. Will they end up accepting the "crumbs" of life instead of the dessert? Yes, they will. Remember, some day they'll be adults. It will be their turn to be in charge. How will they handle it if you don't teach them leadership and advocacy? Will they be able to lead their families? It's nothing new. The world has always had its share of domineering, aggressive, entitled, narcissistic people. They bully, demand, and manipulate anyone and everyone and know, intuitively, the weaker people who are easy pickins'. Don't let your kid be easy pickins'.
Claudia Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch At drclaudia.net, click on the "Ask Me" button and send me a question. The students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, are now required to carry clear backpacks.
One of the Dr. Claudia Show listeners also reported that she attend an air show and was required to put the contents of her bag into a clear bag. It's a smart move. It's unlikely to prevent gun violence at schools, but it also makes it harder for kids to hide contraband. I like it. Claudia Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch At drclaudia.net, click on the "Ask Me" button and send me a question. A mother’s past drug use matters. When a mother uses drugs, the remnants, called the “mother lode”, remain in her body and impact her children and grandchildren. How is that possible?
The illicit drugs cause her children’s brains to be less sensitive to dopamine. Dopamine excess and deficiencies are related to Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, schizophrenia and substance abuse. Women who anticipate becoming pregnant should refrain from even sporadic, recreational use of drugs for at least 3 years before conceiving because the drugs are stored in her fat. Once pregnant, those fat stores are released and the drugs flow out into her bloodstream and into baby’s brains. Initial problems can be seen in colic, sleep, and overactivity. As they grow, these children don’t get along well in preschool situations. Think ahead about your baby when you make the decision to use drugs. Can you live with the consequences? Claudia Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch At drclaudia.net, click on the "Ask Me" button and send me a question. |
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