Recently, I saw a video of a young boy in a car seat who was maybe 3 or 4 years old. He was being recorded by his mother who was in the driver's seat. This child had obviously been crying for quite a while because of the "exhausted" nature of the crying. When he stopped crying enough to be understood, he began wailing about how the earth was being destroyed. From the "facts" he was offering, his concerns centered around pollution and climate change. WHY?
Why is a 3-4 year old in this much distress? It's because the adults in his life let it happen. He was told more than his little life could handle.
Why is a 3-4 year old in this much distress? It's because the adults in his life let it happen. He was told more than his little life could handle.
THE FIRST THING YOU NEVER TELL YOUR KIDS is about those issues over which they have no control...things they cannot possibly understand and things that will frighten and traumatize them.
I was in the market in the evening three days after the Presidential election took place. Small groups of adults were huddled together, some tearfully describing how they "heard" how Trump was planning to put Muslims and gays in internment camps and that their children were afraid. I wanted to shake them and ask them "how" and "why" their children knew this stuff. May I say that later I learned from the internet that Martin O'Malley made these statements? Incredibly irresponsible on everyone's part.
On television and radio and from the conversation I overheard at the grocery store, children are concerned about being put into "tents" and taken from their families. Children should not even be considering these traumatic events. Do these parents have no boundaries? Their job is to protect their children. No matter WHAT is going on and no matter how much stress parents are experiencing, children are not to know of it. Keep it to yourselves.
I was in the market in the evening three days after the Presidential election took place. Small groups of adults were huddled together, some tearfully describing how they "heard" how Trump was planning to put Muslims and gays in internment camps and that their children were afraid. I wanted to shake them and ask them "how" and "why" their children knew this stuff. May I say that later I learned from the internet that Martin O'Malley made these statements? Incredibly irresponsible on everyone's part.
On television and radio and from the conversation I overheard at the grocery store, children are concerned about being put into "tents" and taken from their families. Children should not even be considering these traumatic events. Do these parents have no boundaries? Their job is to protect their children. No matter WHAT is going on and no matter how much stress parents are experiencing, children are not to know of it. Keep it to yourselves.
THE SECOND THING YOU NEVER TELL YOUR KIDS are those adult issues about which they have little-to-no information, experience and judgment and can only react to with fear and confusion.
They can't possibly understand why father is having an affair, what bankruptcy is and they don't understand the national debt, the collapse of the economy or diseases and disorders that ravage family members and friends.
They can't possibly understand why father is having an affair, what bankruptcy is and they don't understand the national debt, the collapse of the economy or diseases and disorders that ravage family members and friends.
| The one thing they DO need to know is that you are smart, strong, brave and prepared to take care of them no matter what happens. If they have specific questions, give them answers that are consistent with their age, abilities/disabilities, competences, maturity and sensitivity level. |  |
I once had a young female client who was suddenly obsessed about having a fire in the family home. There was nothing in her recent or even remote past to trigger such a specific concern. Parents couldn't "talk her out of it" through reassurance or intellectual/"information" channels. I saw her for a few sessions and recommended getting an expert on board. I called the local fire department and asked if they could do a private residence inspection and explained the situation.
One of the higher ranking firefighters arrived, in full uniform and performed an inspection. The home had minor exposures such as no hard-wired smoke alarms and they did not have an escape plan in place. The changes were made; the family had regular fire escape drills and her issues were resolved.
Parents took her concerns seriously and addressed them in age-appropriate ways.
One of the higher ranking firefighters arrived, in full uniform and performed an inspection. The home had minor exposures such as no hard-wired smoke alarms and they did not have an escape plan in place. The changes were made; the family had regular fire escape drills and her issues were resolved.
Parents took her concerns seriously and addressed them in age-appropriate ways.
As your kids mature into adulthood, they may actually be of help in problem-solving. You will, of course, use your judgment when approaching them for ideas about actual problem-solving. You know not to recruit them to "your side" or engage them emotionally. Don't make it about your feelings, but do make it about hearing another perspective.
| Remember how tiny they really are even if they're bodies are not. They have a different relationship with the world than you have and what you "brush" off, they take it, ruminate and worry about it and it erodes their souls, senses of confidence, competence, security and safety. Children of all ages are wonderful observers of the world, but lousy interpreters of it. Let your shoulders carry the burden, not theirs. Just do the best you can. TTFN, Claudia |  |
