Escape plan. Refusal skills. Extraction. Sky hooking. The trick here is to get your kid out of a situation where they don't want to be without risking their reputation and bringing the "collective" down on their heads.
Give them a break. Give them the skills they need. Give them permission to lie.
Sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Yes, that's because it is.
Give them a break. Give them the skills they need. Give them permission to lie.
Sounds dangerous, doesn't it? Yes, that's because it is.
Do you recall a story I told you about a client of mine who was nearly kidnapped as he stood outside a department store dressing room while his mother was inside? It wasn't until the predator grabbed his wrist particularly hard and he cried out that others noticed that something terrible was happening.
I asked him why he didn't scream at the moment the man was taking him. His answer? "I was inside a store. I had to use my inside voice.".
He had never been given permission to fight for his life. Scream, destroy property, hit an adult. He had no idea. Sheer luck and bystanders willing to intervene saved his life.
I asked him why he didn't scream at the moment the man was taking him. His answer? "I was inside a store. I had to use my inside voice.".
He had never been given permission to fight for his life. Scream, destroy property, hit an adult. He had no idea. Sheer luck and bystanders willing to intervene saved his life.
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As an adult, you've mastered your own "escape" plan. You know how to get out of situations graciously so as to avoid social calamity. We have a lot more "excuse material"...kids, jobs, parents, civic responsibilities, pets, hobbies etc. They're more credible, too. As well, the other adults know "how to play the game" and expect "in-kind' treatment should they need to pull the rip cord at some point.
That brings us back to the idea of a rip cord for your kids. You need to teach them when and when to pull it and how to ride the parachute to safety.
That brings us back to the idea of a rip cord for your kids. You need to teach them when and when to pull it and how to ride the parachute to safety.
This is the time of life, middle school and beyond, especially high school, where you should be teaching them about the "gray areas" of life. It's OK. Now's the time. They have the cognitive skills, some of the judgment and experience necessary to learn from you.
What they need most from you is permission to use lies to protect themselves, all parts of themselves--their physical safety, their moral and spiritual values and the family culture. No easy task, but it is your primary responsibility. Nature says so. Don't argue with the Mother.
What they need most from you is permission to use lies to protect themselves, all parts of themselves--their physical safety, their moral and spiritual values and the family culture. No easy task, but it is your primary responsibility. Nature says so. Don't argue with the Mother.
I worked at a county mental health clinic for two years. Working with teenagers with social and emotional difficulties led me to the concept of "refusal skills". Some of them were in recovery and so, refusal skills helped them to leave situations where their sobriety might be threatened.
One girl shared that she was at a party and everyone was drunk or stoned and "suddenly", she realized that she was the only female there. It was beginning to feel dangerous. At an opportune moment, she put her finger down her throat and vomited on several of the guys. They withdrew in horror. Yep, that's about right. She ran out, wretching and gagging as if she was going to hurl again. She found her way to safety. Problem solved.
One girl shared that she was at a party and everyone was drunk or stoned and "suddenly", she realized that she was the only female there. It was beginning to feel dangerous. At an opportune moment, she put her finger down her throat and vomited on several of the guys. They withdrew in horror. Yep, that's about right. She ran out, wretching and gagging as if she was going to hurl again. She found her way to safety. Problem solved.
Most every kid has some situation they want to avoid. Girls may want to avoid sex or drinking in order to avoid being sexually assaulted and boys may want to avoid being part of a group who commits petty crimes, vandalism or assaults.
Find out what your teenager wants to avoid and help them to develop their escape plan.
Now, they're gonna balk at this. They want to appear fearless. But they "don't know what they don't know", so you'll give them ideas anyway. They'll get the point. What is important is that they know you give them permission to keep themselves safe using whatever acting skills and "sorcery" they can conjure up when they need it.
At the very least, have a "code" just as this father and his son developed in order to create the rouse that allowed the kid to escape. You want a plan that even Houdini would admire.
You'll have this conversation many times. They won't hear it #1-#99, but by #100, it will be "internalized" and automatic. You've heard soldiers, police officers and first responders of all stripes say that they did what they did because of their training. Yep, it's like that.
Oh, and make it perfectly clear that they're not to use these skills in their family relationships. The culture of your family is one of honesty and commitment. None of their sorcery is to be used at home.
Just do the best you can.
TTFN, Claudia
Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
Find out what your teenager wants to avoid and help them to develop their escape plan.
Now, they're gonna balk at this. They want to appear fearless. But they "don't know what they don't know", so you'll give them ideas anyway. They'll get the point. What is important is that they know you give them permission to keep themselves safe using whatever acting skills and "sorcery" they can conjure up when they need it.
At the very least, have a "code" just as this father and his son developed in order to create the rouse that allowed the kid to escape. You want a plan that even Houdini would admire.
You'll have this conversation many times. They won't hear it #1-#99, but by #100, it will be "internalized" and automatic. You've heard soldiers, police officers and first responders of all stripes say that they did what they did because of their training. Yep, it's like that.
Oh, and make it perfectly clear that they're not to use these skills in their family relationships. The culture of your family is one of honesty and commitment. None of their sorcery is to be used at home.
Just do the best you can.
TTFN, Claudia
Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
