I've had students who have been diagnosed with diabetes, cancer, brain tumors, traumatic brain injury and seizures. They've lost their homes, their parents, everything that meant anything to them and they just could not keep up. They should not have to suffer a lifetime of "less than" because of these situations. They can recover and go on and get the education of their dreams by attending community college, doing well and transferring to another university or college in their junior year.
High school is big time. The stakes are big and the consequences can be life-altering. I describe these years as being "perilously wonderful" because finally, the age of true competition and coping skills has arrived. It's the time of "show us what you've got!" During our August 18th segment on The Ranch, we talked about how high school is the time when your kids handle "the big ticket" items such as driving, dating, exploring their independence and they are expected to manage sports, academic and social tasks without a lot of interference from good old "mom and dad". It's their debut. It's your first chance to see how well they have mastered the skills you taught them...or thought you taught them. High school is "show time" because their academic performance just might predict the trajectory of their future. If they are college-bound, picking the "right" classes, the "right" activities and getting that "right" GPA may determine which "tier" of college they'll be eligible for, but in reality, this is the least of your worries. Why do I say this? Because it's true. I've had high school clients who I thought would be sitting in jail instead of a classroom end up in high prestige universities. When I worked with them, they had serious behavioral problems, horrible grades, substance abuse issues, you name it. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I got calls from them telling me that they had done well in community college with the accommodations based on the "old" testing I had done and needed an updated assessment in order to transition as a junior into major universities. What a wonderful relief to see that had survived "themselves". Some kids need time and experience to mature. Some of them need a different setting with the proper support to realize they are smart and can do the work. Some of them need vocational programs to develop a skill and then, supplement that skill with business classes in order to build a plumbing empire. Oh, it has so happened this way! Some kids have had sports or other injuries or have been sick. They may have experienced significant emotional trauma or life changes and struggled to manage academics as well as the adjustment to their "new lives". I've had students who have been diagnosed with diabetes, cancer, brain tumors, traumatic brain injury and seizures. They've lost their homes, their parents, everything that meant anything to them and they just could not keep up. They should not have to suffer a lifetime of "less than" because of these situations. They can recover and go on and get the education of their dreams by attending community college, doing well and transferring to another university or college in their junior year. Now, as for you parents. Hands off. Let them make their mistakes while they are still living at home. For every ounce of mistakes they make, they earn a ton of experience and judgment. Control your own anxiety. Let them get "out there" with reasonable approaches to developing trust. Understand "what" they are going through. Develop strategies to become a mentor and facilitator instead of a dictating parent. Don't expect your son to go to college and immediately know how to make healthy choices if he has not had practice in a semi-controlled environment. Your daughter won't learn about the safety issues associated with being a young woman if she doesn't ask the questions and get reasonable (that's "code" for non-hysterical) answers from you. When they enter high school, get some basic understanding of the college requirements. Start a conversation with a local college counselor. Develop your list of questions and make phone calls. Do in-depth searches. Talk to other parents. Get a sense of realistic expectations before the senior year. Learn about the high-stakes testing and financial aid. Look at how far all of you have come. This is just the next step. Have confidence in yourselves and your kids, the teachers, the friends, the coaches. Just do the best you can. TTFN, Claudia
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When it's back-to-school time for entering middle schoolers, it's a whole new ball game. This is the big leagues now, kids. In talking about this on our regular Thursday chat on The Ranch, 99.1 FM, we hit some of the highlights of the special challenges of middle school. First, let's talk about the basics. It's a much bigger campus and there are anywhere from 600-850 kids on a middle school campus versus the 450-600 in an elementary school. The size varies significantly from state to state For example, the average middle school in Florida has over 1000 kids. 1000 kids! Second, there's tremendous variation in size, maturity, and social-emotional competence in the middle school setting. The 8th graders are heading to high school and are, for the most part, "light years" ahead of the 6th graders who are just now leaving elementary school. The 6th graders, formerly the "big fish in their little ponds" are now feeling inferior and crises of confidence can erupt. Their fears become exaggerated and their coping skills may fail them. At this time, parents, you cannot tell them, "You'll be fine". It's important to accept their feelings of angst and give them options for how they plan to cope with these new challenges. Give them "scripts" for responses and practice/role play frequently depending on the level of anxiety they're feeling. Provide support only to the level they are willing to accept. Don't overdo it just because you are anxious. Many middle schools offer "bonding" and "orientation" experiences in the form of pool parties, sleepovers in the gym, or a "game day" because bringing kids together from several elementary schools goes more smoothly if they have a chance to meet before the academic pressure starts. Your student may not want to go. Do whatever it takes to get them there even if you allow them to call you in 10 minutes to pick them up. They're experiencing anticipatory anxiety and giving them an "escape" will help them to stay longer and enjoy it more. This is what I mean by "options". Before school starts, visit the campus so that your child has an intimate look at the setting. Make arrangements with the principal for a 15-minute visit and promise not to engage any of the teachers or go into the classrooms. This kind of visit is very helpful for those kids with anxiety about getting to the bathroom on time. Third, middle school poses its own special anxiety because this is the first time that students will have to cope with 6 different teachers who are teaching their own subjects and there is homework for each subject. It's a lot to take in. Each teacher has their own personality, teaching style, demands, tolerances, expectations and frustrations. Speaking of which, teachers are incredibly, incredibly over-worked. They have 100-120 kids. Yes, 100-120 kids. If your child has an Individualized Education Program plan (IEP) or Section 504 Accommodations, don't assume that the teacher knows anything about it. Records coming from elementary schools are frequently late and chances are, your kids' actual teachers did not attend the transition meeting. Make a Fast Facts sheet and let them know a little bit about your student. Your child may have special needs that do not rise to the level of a diagnosis or the need for special education services. If there is an illness in the family, teachers need to know. If there have been extraordinary situations such as death, divorce, moving, a family member deploying, a pet dying, or a parent returning to the work force due to financial demands or anything you qualify as "teachers need to know", then, create a Fast Fact sheet. Make it easier for teachers to help you help your child. Fourth, unless your child has remarkable math competence, avoid taking accelerated math classes or math classes during summer school at least for the 6th grade. Math is not like a period of history or literature where a period can be plucked off the shelf and studied. Math is like a staircase where each step has to be mastered before moving onto the next one. Accelerated and summer school classes move at a very fast speed and do not allow students to practice the concepts to a level of automaticity (meaning quick recall and solid competence). It's critical that students have multiple opportunities to both learn and practice the concepts and algorithms before moving onto more advanced concepts. If it's right for your student, then go for it, but approach with caution. Fifth, parents, make sure you know how to access the online grading and assignments systems offered by your district. You can keep track of assignments and your student's performance so that you can get help "sooner rather than later". Once kids fall behind in middle school, it is extremely difficult to make up the grades because the overall pace of "production" (the amount of work that is produced), is quick, to say the least.. My metaphor is gaining weight and going into debt. It happens oh so easily, but losing weight and getting out of debt require commitment, discipline and persistence. Lastly, give yourself permission to email teachers at the first sign of difficulties. They really want to help, but they have to know that you're a team with them. Avoid blaming them, losing your patience and getting frustrated. Know the system. Talk to the counselor, get a meeting, submit a written request to have your child evaluated and access community resources such as tutoring at the library or privately.
I wrote extensive blog posts on the special education referral and the special education assessment. Educate yourself about the process and do your best to get the help your child needs. As always, just do the best you can. Claudia Well, it's the beginning of August (again!) and those anxiety-provoking back-to-school sales signs are everywhere. Just as with Christmas, the ads seem to come earlier and earlier each year. They're unavoidable and affect both kids and parents in different ways. Some families' response is one of anxiety and for others, it's excitement. Anxiety and excitement feel the same to the body because both emotions, from a physical standpoint, arise from adrenaline dumping into the blood stream. Adrenaline flows freely when you are excited and when you are anxious. I have found that telling kids about these similarities and distinctions is helpful. They learn about how their bodies work and "demystifies" where their feelings come from resulting in greater ability to regulate their behavior in emotionally intense situations. This is a skill they need to manage adulthood. Adulthood seems to consist of periods of boredom punctuated by a remarkable number of emotionally intense situations (a.k.a., "terror"). Today on The Ranch, 99.1 FM's regular Thursday morning segment, we began our three-part series about helping families transition back to school. From sea to shining sea, across America, the school bells start ringing from early August to early September, so here we are, on August 4, talking about getting back into the routine. It just makes sense to start at the elementary school level. For most kids, returning to school is filled with excitement. They renew friendships and enjoy the learning process. Very few kids make the transition without a glitch. Some kids have needs that require you to give added effort and attention in order to have a positive start. If children falter at the beginning, it may take them a long while to get back on track and it's a painful process. Because their emotional resources are being spent to cope with "righting" themselves, they pay less attention to the learning process and to developing their social skills. They fall behind. If your child is going to a new school, identify one or two other kids on your block who may be a "good fit" and invite them over for brief, but frequent "get togethers". Taking them to the movies allows kids to enjoy a common event and your child does not have to carry the majority of the social interaction. The purpose of this effort is to make sure your child has someone to play, interact and sit with the first week of school. Once they get their "legs under them", they can explore other relationships. Anticipatory anxiety, "the fear of being afraid" can be triggered when your child does not know where the bathrooms are located. Go to the school and explore as much of the grounds as possible. This will be easier once the school facility actually opens when teachers return. Respect the principal and reach out to him/her first. Emphasize that you will not go into the classrooms or engage the teachers. Limit your visit to 15 minutes. Take photos if allowed so you can review daily before the first day of school. Parents of all kinds comfort their children. Animals are realistic, so let's take some cues from them. When your child expresses concern about the first day of school, avoid saying, "You're gonna be fine". This kind of statement comes from a part of you that is hopeful that they'll be fine, but mostly, it reflects your inability to protect them from the things in life that distresses them. There'll be a lot of these situations. Practice. And, speaking of practice. When your kids are distressed, remind them of the times when they were fearful and coped with it. They were fearful and they gave the speech anyway, slid down the fire pole, jumped into the pool and slept without the night light on. They did it anyway. That's the key. We usually don't feel "fine" when we do things that scare us, but we cope anyway. Adrenaline dumping into our guts makes us nauseated; our hearts beat fast, our mouths get dry and we feel light-headed. Kids need to know that they can minimize the effects of their anxiety through relaxation techniques. Tell them you have confidence in their ability to do what scares them. You have confidence in their ability to cope and "do what has to be done". These skills are the essence of life, the essence of being an adult. And, isn't that what we are preparing them for? Adulthood. They get there by practicing their coping skills. If your little one is on their way to Kindergarten, you'll likely see much less of a separation anxiety response than what you saw for preschool. They've learned that you, Momma and Daddy, wi'll always come back (remember the Raffi song, "My Mommy Comes Back"?) and that they'll go home. But, if you do see that familiar anxiety, ask them what they need. Is it a note in their lunch box? Do they need treats to share with their friends? These "transition objects" remind them of home, so they don't feel quite so far away from the things and people that give them feelings of comfort. They'll likely need these objects for a short period of time. Give them what they need in order to enhance their coping skills. After all, those photographs on your desk at work are the adult form of transition objects. If your child has special needs of any kind, even they are not diagnosed, let the teacher know before your child enters the classroom. You know the saying, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression". If the teacher labels your child as being a "problem" during the first few days of school, that initial impression may linger, so don't let that happen. Teach the teacher about your child and their quirks. Start the year off as positively as possible. Create a Fast Facts sheet. Here are some strategies from previous posts regarding starting the year out right. These articles give you the perspective and information you need to "control the controllable".. As usual, just do the best you can... TTFN, Claudia During our regular Thursday morning segments on 99.1 FM, The Ranch, , we cover a lot of ground. On the morning of July 28, we talked about the situations that many young people, frequently referred to as millennials, are encountering once they've finished college. The actual experiences in the job market don't seem to "jive" with some of the media's reports of an improving economy because they can't find work. They're stuck, mostly at home, with a pile of student loan debt and have no idea about the next step. Student loan debt has become a national financial crisis the size of the housing market meltdown. It's serious stuff. In my practice, I've encountered a great many of these situations. Students who I've evaluated throughout the years reach back to me for suggestions. Here's what I tell them:
Commit for at least 6 weeks. Six weeks should give you enough time to gather the data that you need. Give them plenty of notice when you plan to leave. This effort has multiple benefits:
Getting out there, in whatever position, will combat depression and isolation. You may not be able to start paying on your student loans and there are both advantages and disadvantages of deferment for those loans. Explore the options. Consider negotiating with any potential employer who is "on the fence" about hiring you and ask only for the amount necessary (after taxes) to pay your student loan payment. Bring in the documentation to show them. It's a very powerful message that you are committed to keeping your agreements. It shows how responsible you are despite the bad press that this generation is getting. At least if you are living at home, you can meet your financial obligations. You may not have "spending money", but you'll pay your bills.
When it comes to development, the "big stuff" happens early in the process. The neural tube, which evolves into the brain and nervous system, happens during the first trimester. Many times, women don't know their pregnant until most of the neural tube is created. This is somewhat dangerous because if mother was not attempting to conceive or expect to conceive, she might be taking over-the-counter medications that are not approved for pregnancy. She might be drinking alcohol or using drugs which are certain to have a serious impact on the fetal brain. By age 5, kids have a fairly stable and consistent sense of their self-esteem. Self-esteem is the degree to which you positively feel about yourself...your intelligence, your competence, how you compare to others and whether or not you have what it takes to get the job done. Considering that personalities are formed by age 6, this means that the blueprint for your child's emotional future can be a "done deal" by first grade. Of course, experiences play a role in this formation, especially traumatic experiences and those that are highly positive. But all of it takes place against the backdrop of neurology. Kids know when they're doing well and when they're not, so don't lie to them. Give them as much of the truth as they can handle. If you are sugary sweet and overly solicitous, you'll lose your credibility. That's a price you don't want to pay. Avoid words such as "good" and "bad. Give them realistic feedback on the quality of their effort and performance. If they want to know how to improve, they'll ask you. Or, you give them an option to hear your input. Two things you are looking for are positive attitude and genuine effort. Focusing on the effort and not the product/end result will help them to see that the process is really a blueprint for success in adulthood. These character traits will take them far in life. Along these same lines, kids need to know what you expect from them. Make sure your expectations are realistic and are based on the age of your child and their natural gifts. What you really want is to develop those behaviors that will help them to optimize their gifts. Hard work, determination, commitment, discipline, ethics, integrity and being able to cope with frustration and disappointment. Very important to success in life is being able to hear and benefit from constructive criticism. They need to be able to "stay their own course" and make healthy decisions about their conduct, friends and choices in "sketchy" situations. They need to resist being duped into unethical conduct or behavior that is contrary to family values. Essentially, they need to be strong enough and committed enough to their values and use that commitment as a shield when they are being pressured. Parents, you have a major role in this process. You can help them tap into their unique strengths. Think outside the box. Are they interested in computers? Check out UCode and give them an early start on developing their programming and coding skills. Interested in robotics? There are programs throughout the US to support these interests. Interested in marine biology, or politics or debate or business? Check out the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth to find summer experiences to expand their dreams. They also connect with other kids who share their same passion. When life gets tough for them, these are the kids they'll rely on.
Your son or daughter no longer needs to be the prom queen or the quarterback to feel successful. The generations coming up are less competitive and more supportive of each other than ever before. We parents are doing something right. Kids are celebrating art, theater, musical ability and other talents that may have been seen as less acceptable in days gone by. Kids today are less judgmental and far more inclusive. There's hope for us yet. Help your kids to find their competence. Experiencing authentic success is much more powerful than Mom and Dad telling them how wonderful they are... Tune into the Ranch, 99.1 FM in Simi Valley, California, every Thursday morning at 8:20 a.m. to hear more of these discussions. We cover a lot in 5 minutes and you may be driving or reviewing spelling words in the car, so I write up a summary every week. As always, just do the best you can, TTFN, Claudia |
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