Living well is the best revenge....George Herbert
The best revenge is massive success...Frank Sinatra
Revenge is sweet and not fattening...Alfred Hitchcock
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves...Confucius
Revenge is a dish best served cold...Eugene Sues (although there is some confusion as to the actual author of this quote!)
The best revenge is massive success...Frank Sinatra
Revenge is sweet and not fattening...Alfred Hitchcock
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves...Confucius
Revenge is a dish best served cold...Eugene Sues (although there is some confusion as to the actual author of this quote!)
In the Exodus chapter of the Bible says, "Give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot". Some 2000 years later, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., said, "The old law of an 'eye for an eye' leaves everybody blind." Well, you have to admit, he had a point.
Revenge is the most primitive form of justice and typically, takes place when there are no formal laws in place. It is an action in response to either a real or perceived grievance. Revenge and justice and two different things. At times, when a person feels that justice cannot be achieved through the law, they may feel that revenge is their only option.
We have recently been introduced to the concept of honor killings which are designed to seek revenge for that behavior which is commonplace acceptable in our own society, such as marrying the person you love instead of who you are told to marry. It is violently shocking and women are frequently the target of such revenge.
This idea of blood feuds is ancient. Think Hatfields and McCoys. The Montegues and Capulets (Romeo and Juliet). And, in-laws, let's not forget them! Nothing new to see here; move along.
Revenge has a function in society. It sustains power by means of "impression management". If you have a reputation as being vengeful, people are afraid of you and tend to give you what you want which, in turn, reinforces your behavior.
Revenge is so powerful that is has an evolutionary purpose. It's all about "accounting". When you exact revenge, you've changed the equation. You've taken what someone else has gained from harming you and made their gains less "profitable". Balance is restored.
This whole "tit-for-tat" dynamic is seen in young children and in primates (gorillas, etc.). Yes, a 1-year old has a sense of justice. As they mature, people don't lose this sense of justice and fair play.
This idea of blood feuds is ancient. Think Hatfields and McCoys. The Montegues and Capulets (Romeo and Juliet). And, in-laws, let's not forget them! Nothing new to see here; move along.
Revenge has a function in society. It sustains power by means of "impression management". If you have a reputation as being vengeful, people are afraid of you and tend to give you what you want which, in turn, reinforces your behavior.
Revenge is so powerful that is has an evolutionary purpose. It's all about "accounting". When you exact revenge, you've changed the equation. You've taken what someone else has gained from harming you and made their gains less "profitable". Balance is restored.
This whole "tit-for-tat" dynamic is seen in young children and in primates (gorillas, etc.). Yes, a 1-year old has a sense of justice. As they mature, people don't lose this sense of justice and fair play.
Revenge as a method of making yourself feel better? Oh yeah. Revenge truly is sweet. We now know, as a result of brain imaging, that revenge activates reward centers in the brain. In order to be satisfying, the recipient of the revengeful act must be aware of the connection between the original offense and the retaliation, also known as the "understanding hypothesis". Think final episode of the 2016 season of Game of Thrones when Arya exacts revenge and explains to each of her "victims" what they've done as she slits their throats.
The second component of a satisfying retaliation is "comparative suffering". It is necessary to watch the recipient/offender suffer. ...and Arya so obviously enjoys their suffering.
Uh oh. So, who are the people who are hell-bent on revenge? These folks crave power and do whatever they can to avoid "losing face". The brain is wired for revenge because it is a satisfying experience.
Or is it? While it may be a satisfying experience, revenge keeps the wound open. You just can't heal. A cycle of relation is unleashed that is likely to cause more harm than the initial wound...the reason to dig two graves.
If you're a person who defers to authority, respects social dominance and traditions, you are ripe for revengeful behavior. You are likely to be less forgiving and less inclined to see the connectedness we all share.
It's not just your personality that determines the potential for revenge behavior, it's the events and the context in which they occur. Different kinds of events trigger thoughts of revenge.
If you're part of a group, you are more likely to consider revenge in order to restore balance than if you are alone.
My psychology practice was located next to the Ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach and the International Longshore Workers Union had a strong presence in the community. Their motto? "An injury to one is an injury to all". There it is.
Culture counts. If you're an American, you feel strong thoughts of revenge when your rights are violated. If you are Asian and your sense of responsibility is questioned, you may act revengefully.
If you're a person who defers to authority, respects social dominance and traditions, you are ripe for revengeful behavior. You are likely to be less forgiving and less inclined to see the connectedness we all share.
It's not just your personality that determines the potential for revenge behavior, it's the events and the context in which they occur. Different kinds of events trigger thoughts of revenge.
If you're part of a group, you are more likely to consider revenge in order to restore balance than if you are alone.
My psychology practice was located next to the Ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach and the International Longshore Workers Union had a strong presence in the community. Their motto? "An injury to one is an injury to all". There it is.
Culture counts. If you're an American, you feel strong thoughts of revenge when your rights are violated. If you are Asian and your sense of responsibility is questioned, you may act revengefully.
The law is designed to protect us and serves as the proxy for us. It gets revenge when we cannot. Police are supposed to operate on "altruistic punishment" which requires them to sacrifice their own well-being in order to punish those who violate the laws. The process is designed to keep society running smoothly. The process is supposed to be about justice and not revenge. Frankly, I don't see a difference except that revenge is wild and justice is organized. All in all, the justice system's goal is to reduce aggression, otherwise vigilantism would be running amuck.
Shame. It's extremely powerful and is the emotion at the heart of revenge. Research studies have shown that many, if not most, people would be willing to suffer a substantial loss in the hopes of feeling that sweet revenge.
Why is our society becoming more violent? It's not just about the guns. They've always been around. It's about the shame associated with hopelessness which gives rise to depression. It's about the shame associated having no hope of justice. It's the shame associated with feeling powerless. So many factors in the algorithm.
Why is our society becoming more violent? It's not just about the guns. They've always been around. It's about the shame associated with hopelessness which gives rise to depression. It's about the shame associated having no hope of justice. It's the shame associated with feeling powerless. So many factors in the algorithm.
What do you do when you find yourself having revengeful thoughts? First, recognize the feelings and thoughts as revenge and understand "where" they are coming from. Ask yourself the tough questions:
- Was some part of the insult to you true?
- Did you play a role in this?
- Do you have all of the facts about the situation?
- Would it help to talk it out with the person who violated you?
- Were there early signs of problems in the relationship that would lead to this?
- Is this someone you shouldn't have trusted in the first place?
Before you blast out that tweet, pick up the phone, fire off that email, or grab the gun, ask yourself, "Can I live with the consequences?"
Don't forget about the unintended consequences. You may have taken the gun over to her house just to scare her. Amazing how many times the gun goes off and someone goes down.
Can you live with the wasteland of destroyed relationships? Can you live with the financial and emotional consequences? What about the felony assault or murder charges? Can you afford to have your ex's car repainted after you've keyed it and was caught on camera? Oh, so many questions to ask yourself. The more time between the injury and your response can make or break your life...hence the "dish best served cold" part.
Don't forget about the unintended consequences. You may have taken the gun over to her house just to scare her. Amazing how many times the gun goes off and someone goes down.
Can you live with the wasteland of destroyed relationships? Can you live with the financial and emotional consequences? What about the felony assault or murder charges? Can you afford to have your ex's car repainted after you've keyed it and was caught on camera? Oh, so many questions to ask yourself. The more time between the injury and your response can make or break your life...hence the "dish best served cold" part.
OK, here's a big step. What can you learn about yourself and others? How can you use this information to avoid more skirmishes? Do you fall for pranks and react aggressively? Do you have no sense of humor? Are you not loyal to your friends? Do you reciprocate or are you a taker? Are you overly competitive, vain, sensitive...whatever? Fix it. Be aware of it and take steps to dial it down. Break off relationships with those who abuse you. You don't need this. Focus on yourself and not on them.
Take that emotional, obsessive energy and get a second job and save enough to take yourself somewhere great or buy something you want. Get a goal and work toward it. Build your life. Don't tear down theirs. If this is their primary mode of behavior, they'll self-destruct and you can have a Schadenfreude party. What? You don't know about Schadenfreude? It's that good feeling you get when something bad happens to someone else. We all do it. Oh yeah.
Take that emotional, obsessive energy and get a second job and save enough to take yourself somewhere great or buy something you want. Get a goal and work toward it. Build your life. Don't tear down theirs. If this is their primary mode of behavior, they'll self-destruct and you can have a Schadenfreude party. What? You don't know about Schadenfreude? It's that good feeling you get when something bad happens to someone else. We all do it. Oh yeah.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Claudia
