First of all, there's no such thing. When it comes to giving gifts, many men struggle; they really struggle. And we women, we expect them to know exactly what we want. When we don't get it, we make them feel terrible. It's a cycle we tend to repeat over and over. They really do want to make their gifts special. It's that they have so few idea as to how to pull it off.
Secondly, why, oh why, do we do this to each other? You know the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Well? Lend a hand here...
If you have a hunny bunny who always gets it right, move on, nothing to see here.
Secondly, why, oh why, do we do this to each other? You know the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Well? Lend a hand here...
If you have a hunny bunny who always gets it right, move on, nothing to see here.
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It doesn't matter. Valentine's Day, Christmas, your birthday, Mother's Day, anniversary. They put tremendous pressure on themselves. Silently, so do we.
We have this idea that men pay attention to "what" we like. They don't. One of the reasons is that we over-talk. We've trained them to stop listening about 5 seconds into our "presentation". Otherwise, they wouldn't survive us. We have different brains, that's it. Oh, they love us alright, but we're just too too too hyperverbal. They get overloaded and they have to bail out.
A drinking glass and a pitcher of water. Do you keep pouring when it's full? No. So observe your husband and learn when he bails out. Keep your commentary within his "saturation point".
Second, when you speak to your husband, do you "prime, prompt and prepare" him? Introduce the topic, state your information and wind up. You may have to repeat the message if it's really important, but do it at another time.
Third, don't start a conversation with, "Do you remember...?" They don't. Don't set them up for failure. Give them a break.
We have this idea that men pay attention to "what" we like. They don't. One of the reasons is that we over-talk. We've trained them to stop listening about 5 seconds into our "presentation". Otherwise, they wouldn't survive us. We have different brains, that's it. Oh, they love us alright, but we're just too too too hyperverbal. They get overloaded and they have to bail out.
A drinking glass and a pitcher of water. Do you keep pouring when it's full? No. So observe your husband and learn when he bails out. Keep your commentary within his "saturation point".
Second, when you speak to your husband, do you "prime, prompt and prepare" him? Introduce the topic, state your information and wind up. You may have to repeat the message if it's really important, but do it at another time.
Third, don't start a conversation with, "Do you remember...?" They don't. Don't set them up for failure. Give them a break.
For heaven's sake! Don't make them guess. Guessing sets everyone up for failure. Make them a list. Here's how to get the Mother's Day you want...and Valentine's Day and Christmas and your birthday.
Make a list and make it clear which items are not negotiable. Structure the list in such a way so that they know what you prefer. Be specific. Color, name brand, size, fabric, store, whatever. Want a gift card? Want it for a certain amount? Don't want chocolates? Let them know.
Make the list "live" within your budget. You know how much money you have. Don't break the bank.
If you're smart, you'll make a list of things they can get or arrange for online. Make it so that the only thing they have to actually go and get is the card. And, tell them if you want it to be funny or sweet or mushy.
Make a list and make it clear which items are not negotiable. Structure the list in such a way so that they know what you prefer. Be specific. Color, name brand, size, fabric, store, whatever. Want a gift card? Want it for a certain amount? Don't want chocolates? Let them know.
Make the list "live" within your budget. You know how much money you have. Don't break the bank.
If you're smart, you'll make a list of things they can get or arrange for online. Make it so that the only thing they have to actually go and get is the card. And, tell them if you want it to be funny or sweet or mushy.
Remind them gently. Give them an errand to do. Send them to the drugstore about two weeks early before the "event". The cards will be there and it won't be "slim pickins". They'll have their choice and it won't take them long. It'll actually be a pleasant experience which means they won't be avoidant the next time.
Some of us girls are very practical and our husbands are apologetic over giving us the items we have on our list. I am wild for kitchen stuff. Anything that makes my life easier, I'm in for. I'm not into jewelry although my dearest friend handles that part. She finds the unique earrings that I love. She found these gorgeous beetle wings that were emerald green. I put them on at home I love them ever so much.
I love cookware and bakeware. One year, I gave the hubs and son one thing on the list I absolutely positively had to have before I leave this earth....yes, it's a LeCreuset goose pot. It hold 15.5 quarts of "stuff". I'm not making a goose. But, I do love a big big roast and a garden of vegetables to go with it that we eat over the holidays. Need a snack? Grab a bowl, put a bit of roast, potatoes, carrots, onions, celery and a ton of gravy in it and a chunk of challah or brioche and have at it. It's heaven when I watch them go after the leftovers. No talking...they're just in front of the tv watching sports and the "mmmm" noises abound!
This pot goes for $675 and it is never ever on sale that I could ever find. That's an enormous, tremendous amount of money. My proposition? Get the goose pot and it will "cover" at least a year's worth of gifts. It's hilarious. Let me tell you how I did it.
I love cookware and bakeware. One year, I gave the hubs and son one thing on the list I absolutely positively had to have before I leave this earth....yes, it's a LeCreuset goose pot. It hold 15.5 quarts of "stuff". I'm not making a goose. But, I do love a big big roast and a garden of vegetables to go with it that we eat over the holidays. Need a snack? Grab a bowl, put a bit of roast, potatoes, carrots, onions, celery and a ton of gravy in it and a chunk of challah or brioche and have at it. It's heaven when I watch them go after the leftovers. No talking...they're just in front of the tv watching sports and the "mmmm" noises abound!
This pot goes for $675 and it is never ever on sale that I could ever find. That's an enormous, tremendous amount of money. My proposition? Get the goose pot and it will "cover" at least a year's worth of gifts. It's hilarious. Let me tell you how I did it.
I got it for Mother's Day. When July 4th came around, not the usual gift giving holiday, I took a selfie of me and the pot on the counter and sent it to them. For Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hannukah, Valentine's Day, my birthday, Easter/Passover, Memorial Day, New Year's Day and whatever national holidays were in between (President's Day, Veteran's Day, Earth Day...), I did the same thing. I'm goofy and grateful. They loved it. Now, understand this. It was many, many years before I was confident that the budget could withstand such an expenditure. I gave them plenty of notice beforehand so it was paid for in cash.
Because the gift was so expensive, it was a great opportunity for them to be let off the hook for a full year (and more!). Cards were still expected and received even if they came from the Middle East or Iceland or England or France or Germany or Italy or Greece. My kid gets around.
Because the gift was so expensive, it was a great opportunity for them to be let off the hook for a full year (and more!). Cards were still expected and received even if they came from the Middle East or Iceland or England or France or Germany or Italy or Greece. My kid gets around.
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The hubs and I have been married for a long, long, long time. We've found a way to make this work. Early in our relationship, I saw his distress when it came to gift-giving. He confessed that he never knew "what to get". I proposed "The List".
Every year around November 1st, I give him "the list" of what I want for the holidays I am very, very specific. Color, brand name, size whatever it takes to make sure he's successful in his mission. He gives me his list.
My husband spends his time getting the books I want, the kitchen tools I listed and goodies from Crabtree and Evelyn. I shop for tools. Online, at Lowe's, Home Depot, Harbor Freight. I'm right at home in these places.
His list gives me ideas as to things he might like, but aren't on the list. At times, I buy something for myself that's on super duper sale and put it away. At the moment of gift-giving, he cracks up over the "surprise gift" he's bought for me and says things like, "Wow, I have such good taste!" Regardless, it's fun to watch him open the gifts he thinks he's getting and one's that aren't.
It's fun and anxiety-free. Perfect.
My husband spends his time getting the books I want, the kitchen tools I listed and goodies from Crabtree and Evelyn. I shop for tools. Online, at Lowe's, Home Depot, Harbor Freight. I'm right at home in these places.
His list gives me ideas as to things he might like, but aren't on the list. At times, I buy something for myself that's on super duper sale and put it away. At the moment of gift-giving, he cracks up over the "surprise gift" he's bought for me and says things like, "Wow, I have such good taste!" Regardless, it's fun to watch him open the gifts he thinks he's getting and one's that aren't.
It's fun and anxiety-free. Perfect.
My husband is a tool guy. If he doesn't have what he needs, he'll make it. I tease him. "If G-d needs a tool, He asks you for it".
One year, our son and I got him a tool chest like this. Classic American tool chest. It came on a wooden pallet. We wrapped the whole thing. The hubs loved it. Anything that comes on a wooden pallet, he loves. That gift covered his birthday, Christmas, Father's Day...
One year, our son and I got him a tool chest like this. Classic American tool chest. It came on a wooden pallet. We wrapped the whole thing. The hubs loved it. Anything that comes on a wooden pallet, he loves. That gift covered his birthday, Christmas, Father's Day...
I had a monster of a vacuum cleaner. I wanted this one for Hanukkah. I told my husband. He said, "Isn't that a Rodney Dangerfield joke?" My response? "Um, no. Find a vacuum cleaner that's lightweight and will do the job. We have a small house and I need one that has a small head that I can get between the furniture. I think this is it. Check it out."
Please get it for me and wrap it for Christmas. He blanched. "I can't do that!"
"Uh, yes you can". The vacuum has worked great for years. I love it. It makes my life easier on a daily basis. To me, that's priceless. He did something uncomfortable to make me happy. What's love if not that?
Funny part. I told my Aunt Rose in Norristown, PA about it. She asked my hubs to get one for her daughter. Mission accomplished. I told you we're practical girls!
Please get it for me and wrap it for Christmas. He blanched. "I can't do that!"
"Uh, yes you can". The vacuum has worked great for years. I love it. It makes my life easier on a daily basis. To me, that's priceless. He did something uncomfortable to make me happy. What's love if not that?
Funny part. I told my Aunt Rose in Norristown, PA about it. She asked my hubs to get one for her daughter. Mission accomplished. I told you we're practical girls!
Now, for those who wince at my stories, my way may not be your way. Do whatever makes you happiest, reduces tension and does not make gift-giving a miserable experience. You can make up your own family rules.
You may not think I'm a feminist, but think again. I've never been quite sure what that word "feminist" means. I think back to those women who crossed the plains in covered wagons, were the first ones in medical school, dental school, law school and who took on any job in order to get the job done. They worked hard enough to make things happen. That's me. I am responsible for myself. My motto? "I don't back up, I don't back off and I never back down." I'm fierce and fiercely independent.
I put myself through school, had a private practice for 23 years and have run my home and my life alongside my husband and son. I choose to be a team with my family. There are times when their needs are subservient to mine and vice versa. It's a ballet. I participate with them to create the "happyhood" where everyone gets at least a little of what they want and all of what they need. That's my definition of feminism and so is getting a vacuum cleaner as a gift.
You may not think I'm a feminist, but think again. I've never been quite sure what that word "feminist" means. I think back to those women who crossed the plains in covered wagons, were the first ones in medical school, dental school, law school and who took on any job in order to get the job done. They worked hard enough to make things happen. That's me. I am responsible for myself. My motto? "I don't back up, I don't back off and I never back down." I'm fierce and fiercely independent.
I put myself through school, had a private practice for 23 years and have run my home and my life alongside my husband and son. I choose to be a team with my family. There are times when their needs are subservient to mine and vice versa. It's a ballet. I participate with them to create the "happyhood" where everyone gets at least a little of what they want and all of what they need. That's my definition of feminism and so is getting a vacuum cleaner as a gift.
There are no rules about gift-giving and the process by which it comes about. You and your family make the rules. My recommendation? Make it as easy as possible on everyone. Do what it takes to make it fun and meaningful for everyone.
Give it a little thought. It'll be so very, very worth it.
Just do the best you can. TTFN, Claudia
Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
Give it a little thought. It'll be so very, very worth it.
Just do the best you can. TTFN, Claudia
Join me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
