On today's Thursday morning segment on The Ranch, 99.1 FM, we talked about the intense busy-ness of life, especially for mothers and for mothers who work outside the home, in particular. Let me just say, my hair catches on fire when I hear people say to stay-at-home mothers, "So, you don't work?" I'd love to see the folks who say that step into that woman's shoes and do the dance she does everyday. There's a reason why mothers need to have life insurance. Go ahead, I dare you. Hire someone to do the work of a mother and see how much it costs. And this "cost" does not include the love, care and indescribable "awesome sauce" that mothers bring to daily life.
Yesterday, in the grocery store, I observed a Mom. She was there just before school let out. As she stood there, in between making her requests of deli meats and cheeses and evaluating the thickness of the slices, she was handling multiple calls.
She wasn't gossiping or making social arrangements. She was talking with a teacher, her sister, and making sure her husband knew that soccer practice was today. She furiously texted, but spilled coffee on herself and looked at me with a look that says, "Wanna trade places just for today?" I said to her, as reassuringly as I could, "At some point, you'll be sitting at college graduation and you won't even remember this day". To which she responded, "Promise?" I said, "Promise" in my best reassuring Mommy voice.
I've done my frantic time at the deli counter and it wasn't easy. But it was eventually over and everyone survived and indeed, thrived. She'll never know how my heart ached for her. It's a roller coaster that you can't jump off of, never stops and has dizzying turns and dives. Nausea.
She wasn't gossiping or making social arrangements. She was talking with a teacher, her sister, and making sure her husband knew that soccer practice was today. She furiously texted, but spilled coffee on herself and looked at me with a look that says, "Wanna trade places just for today?" I said to her, as reassuringly as I could, "At some point, you'll be sitting at college graduation and you won't even remember this day". To which she responded, "Promise?" I said, "Promise" in my best reassuring Mommy voice.
I've done my frantic time at the deli counter and it wasn't easy. But it was eventually over and everyone survived and indeed, thrived. She'll never know how my heart ached for her. It's a roller coaster that you can't jump off of, never stops and has dizzying turns and dives. Nausea.
Generally, people have positive intentions, but there's a part of me that wants to fight back and say, "You're saying what you think you need to say despite all of the evidence that there's no way I can follow your recommendations, doctor". No, I'm not exercising. No, I'm probably not going to dramatically change my diet. No, it's very unlikely I'm going to slow down at work and you're delusional if you think I'm going to "take time for myself". What, exactly, would THAT look like?
This is when I reference "the list" I saw in a newspaper a very long time ago and subsequently learned that was taken from the book The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. If you haven't seen this "list", take a moment and appreciate the words that describe your life. Yes, someone actually captured about 15-20 minutes of your day and wrote it down for all to see. Thanks, Joyce. This helps.
This is when I reference "the list" I saw in a newspaper a very long time ago and subsequently learned that was taken from the book The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. If you haven't seen this "list", take a moment and appreciate the words that describe your life. Yes, someone actually captured about 15-20 minutes of your day and wrote it down for all to see. Thanks, Joyce. This helps.
Someone I dearly love says, "There's no way through it but to do it" every time I've got THAT look on my face. And then, to break the tension, I go into my most hysterical rendition of "I'm So Tired", sung by the incredible Madeline Kahn in the movie Blazing Saddles. Of course, the theme is "off target" for the purposes of this discussion, but understand that I mostly vamp the "I'm so tired" theme. At least I get a laugh!
This same dearly beloved person has been known to get close to my face when I've slept past 6 a.m. and when I suddenly awakened, startled, says, "Sorry, I had to make sure you were breathing" and, on one hilarious occasion, woke me as I was sleeping on the sofa and said, "What are you doing?" to which I replied, "I'm enhancing my immune system". The response was, "Can't you just take a nap, do you have to always be doing something?" Puh-leeze. Have you been watching my life?
This same dearly beloved person has been known to get close to my face when I've slept past 6 a.m. and when I suddenly awakened, startled, says, "Sorry, I had to make sure you were breathing" and, on one hilarious occasion, woke me as I was sleeping on the sofa and said, "What are you doing?" to which I replied, "I'm enhancing my immune system". The response was, "Can't you just take a nap, do you have to always be doing something?" Puh-leeze. Have you been watching my life?
Yep, there's busy-ness going on all the time because, well, we're busy. All of us. Now, we're busted because the pros are talking about it and writing books about it and generally scolding us for being busy (I bet they're busy, too! tsk...tsk). But they have a point.
The strength of being human (or any living thing for that matter) is the ability to adapt. People wrote music and poetry and made musical instruments in concentration camps, but they had little choice. You have a choice. Re-boot, re-tool, re-set and re-align.
The strength of being human (or any living thing for that matter) is the ability to adapt. People wrote music and poetry and made musical instruments in concentration camps, but they had little choice. You have a choice. Re-boot, re-tool, re-set and re-align.
When everything in your life has a #1 priority and screams at you, "Me first, me first", STOP! Make a decision. Your self-talk should sound a bit like this, "Is this critical to life?", "What could I be doing that enhances MY life" and "Can I live with the consequences?"
WHAT DO I DO???
Learn "refusal skills". Those are the tactful ways of saying, "Nah, I'm not doing this" to your boss, your friends, that nagging PTA lady who wants you to put together a circus. Give yourself permission to focus on you and those people and activities YOU value the most.
WHAT DO I DO???
Learn "refusal skills". Those are the tactful ways of saying, "Nah, I'm not doing this" to your boss, your friends, that nagging PTA lady who wants you to put together a circus. Give yourself permission to focus on you and those people and activities YOU value the most.
Get your script ready. Find the words that allow you to escape the situation and clearly state your unwillingness to bow to pressure. You can do this. It's a matter of survival because if you maintain your pace, your immune system will wear down and you'll start catching every virus that floats by your nose. If you're falling asleep at stop signs, you're already in trouble.
Keep perspective. It took a while for you to get in this pickle and it will take some practice to reduce your "load". Small changes. That's what it takes. Back down a little at a time.
Know this. Kids grow up and become more independent and leave home. But, they have only one childhood and you have to pay attention to it. Yes, work supports your family and it, too, is important, but you'll eventually move out of the work force. Good times pass and so to the trying times. Keep the faith.
Know this. Kids grow up and become more independent and leave home. But, they have only one childhood and you have to pay attention to it. Yes, work supports your family and it, too, is important, but you'll eventually move out of the work force. Good times pass and so to the trying times. Keep the faith.
Prioritize. Define "how" you want your life to feel everyday and pare down to the level that comes close to making that happen. Maybe it means reducing your social obligations even though they are satisfying. Vacations have their own special kind of stress despite being fun.
You want to take a look at "subtracting" to a point where you don't wake up hyperventilating everyday because of your list of "competing needs". Look at the how many times a day you say outloud or to yourself, "I gotta...". It's a good "I'm overwhelmed" measure.
If today, you're saying, "I've gotta make a meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner", you might want to welcome your family into the "wonderful world of soup and sandwiches". Did you know that grocery stores have wonderful, freshly-made soup? You can buy a few to give your family variety and make up some small sandwiches and let them "have at it"! I know you define yourself as a "good mother" in certain ways, but maybe it's time to relax some of your expectations and re-define yourself.
You want to take a look at "subtracting" to a point where you don't wake up hyperventilating everyday because of your list of "competing needs". Look at the how many times a day you say outloud or to yourself, "I gotta...". It's a good "I'm overwhelmed" measure.
If today, you're saying, "I've gotta make a meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner", you might want to welcome your family into the "wonderful world of soup and sandwiches". Did you know that grocery stores have wonderful, freshly-made soup? You can buy a few to give your family variety and make up some small sandwiches and let them "have at it"! I know you define yourself as a "good mother" in certain ways, but maybe it's time to relax some of your expectations and re-define yourself.
Help is on the way. Edward Hallowell, the renowned psychiatrist who, along with fellow psychiatrist, John Ratey, wrote Driven to Distraction, a book about adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, has written a book, CrazyBusy, and offers a website regarding ways to understand your "busy-ness" and to cope with it. The app has valuable resources.
Another, spot-on book entitled, Crazy Busy: A (Mercifully) Short Book about a (Really) Big Problem was written by Kevin DeYoung takes a different perspective and tone and is worth your time. Ha! There's THAT word again.
Change your breathing. Yes, your breathing. The way you breath signals a lot of powerful emotional information to your body. Consider the website My Calm Beat (and there's an app) to help you re-establish healthy breathing patterns to avoid the shallow, panicked breathing of an overwhelmed life. You don't even have to schedule a time to do this! Just breathe!
I know you don't have time for a massage. You probably wouldn't go if you had time. You'd take a snooze or do another load of laundry. I know you. I am you. Release that stored up muscle tension by squeezing your major muscles while sitting at stop lights. Do some shoulder rolls to release neck tension. Stretch a little. Just a little.
Change your breathing. Yes, your breathing. The way you breath signals a lot of powerful emotional information to your body. Consider the website My Calm Beat (and there's an app) to help you re-establish healthy breathing patterns to avoid the shallow, panicked breathing of an overwhelmed life. You don't even have to schedule a time to do this! Just breathe!
I know you don't have time for a massage. You probably wouldn't go if you had time. You'd take a snooze or do another load of laundry. I know you. I am you. Release that stored up muscle tension by squeezing your major muscles while sitting at stop lights. Do some shoulder rolls to release neck tension. Stretch a little. Just a little.
Again, it's small steps. Avoid setting yourself up for failure. Teeny tiny baby steps are the goal.
Thanks for taking your valuable time to read this. Seriously. I know that your life runs on the nano-second and "time" has become your worst enemy. Do your best to change your relationship with time. Steal those minutes.
Get in the longer line at the grocery store so you can stand still and take a few deep breaths. When I hear that "Miss, oh Miss, this line is available", I calmly say, "No, I need the rest. Let me just stand here". Every woman in the line laughs. You know...that knowing laugh..
Just do the best you can,
TTFN, Claudia
Thanks for taking your valuable time to read this. Seriously. I know that your life runs on the nano-second and "time" has become your worst enemy. Do your best to change your relationship with time. Steal those minutes.
Get in the longer line at the grocery store so you can stand still and take a few deep breaths. When I hear that "Miss, oh Miss, this line is available", I calmly say, "No, I need the rest. Let me just stand here". Every woman in the line laughs. You know...that knowing laugh..
Just do the best you can,
TTFN, Claudia
