Just when did kids playing together get the name "play dates"? I suspect it started when mothers had to drive their kids to friends' houses because there was no one to play with in the neighborhood. Peoples' lives are so busy that they have to make arrangements to get kids together. So, we call it a "date". And just how many kids do you see out in the street playing in your neighborhood? What about in the parks?
What happens when Matthew isn't invited to play with other kids. You've seen him on the playground at school. He doesn't seem to know what to do. He's shy and awkward and, as a second grader, he's already taught the other kids that he's not in their league.
Is it because he doesn't have the "playground skills" of the other boys? Maybe. Playground skills include:
These skills are the "currency" of many elementary school boys. If Matthew doesn't have them, there are no video games to retreat to at recess. Uh oh.
Maybe Matthew isn't a "runner". Maybe he shies away from the aggressive play of other boys. It's just not his "thing". It's not every boy's idea of having fun, but the other boys don't understand these nuances. Your guy is different. So, what now?
Is it because he doesn't have the "playground skills" of the other boys? Maybe. Playground skills include:
- running
- running smoothly and changing direction
- competent ball handling
- not being afraid of getting hit (especially in the face)
- be willing to be rough
- falling down without crying
- having stamina (not getting tired easily)
- being a team member
- knowing "how" games are played
- having strategies and being able to develop them "on the run"
These skills are the "currency" of many elementary school boys. If Matthew doesn't have them, there are no video games to retreat to at recess. Uh oh.
Maybe Matthew isn't a "runner". Maybe he shies away from the aggressive play of other boys. It's just not his "thing". It's not every boy's idea of having fun, but the other boys don't understand these nuances. Your guy is different. So, what now?
Most boys and girls alike don't need a herd of friends. One or two pals will do. You just have to give the impression that you belong. When you're hanging out there by yourself, running a stick along the fence or bending over looking for bugs, guess what other kids think of you?
Check out the animals. Most hang out with others of their species. Very few mammals are solitary. Yeah, there are the sharks, but that's another story for another day. Most mammals know that being in a herd gives them a better chance of survival. If you're alone, you get picked off. We'll all seen the shows.
Check out the animals. Most hang out with others of their species. Very few mammals are solitary. Yeah, there are the sharks, but that's another story for another day. Most mammals know that being in a herd gives them a better chance of survival. If you're alone, you get picked off. We'll all seen the shows.
Let's start small. It's the way life works. First, as a baby, you hang with fam. Next, it's Mommy and Me or Gymboree. Then, it's a bigger stage...nursery school and then, onto preschool. The big leagues come when it's time for kindergarten. When the grades have numbers, it gets real.
Maybe Matthew's (or Mary's--equal opportunity "play" book!) teacher can suggest a good "friendship candidate" in the class. If these two fellas (or ladies) are struggling to initiate a friendship, you'll do well to intervene to "get the party started".
First, call the friend's mother. We'll call the friend "Sam". Find out a bit about Sam's interests and tell mother that the date should be "about 2 hours" to get them acquainted.
Tell Matthew what you've learned from Sam's mom and ask him what he'd like to do. Focus on the concept (and draw it out on paper, PLEASE!!! using stick figures) of deferring to guests so that they feel welcome. Relate the concepts to something that Matthew knows about such as a vacation. "It should be like a tiny vacation for your friends when they come over". Everything should be fun. Now, Matthew is not to usurp his own wishes, but it's important to treat guests special. Compromise is key.
Practicing "good host" behaviors and labeling them as such can be a code word to generalize these skills to other situations, for example, when he is out in public with you. If you have to remind Matthew (or Mary) about being a "good host", chances are Sam will have heard this, too, and he'll comply.
First, call the friend's mother. We'll call the friend "Sam". Find out a bit about Sam's interests and tell mother that the date should be "about 2 hours" to get them acquainted.
Tell Matthew what you've learned from Sam's mom and ask him what he'd like to do. Focus on the concept (and draw it out on paper, PLEASE!!! using stick figures) of deferring to guests so that they feel welcome. Relate the concepts to something that Matthew knows about such as a vacation. "It should be like a tiny vacation for your friends when they come over". Everything should be fun. Now, Matthew is not to usurp his own wishes, but it's important to treat guests special. Compromise is key.
Practicing "good host" behaviors and labeling them as such can be a code word to generalize these skills to other situations, for example, when he is out in public with you. If you have to remind Matthew (or Mary) about being a "good host", chances are Sam will have heard this, too, and he'll comply.
Review everyday before the date, for few minutes...don't go over 3-4 minutes or Matthew will get stressed. Talk about the words to use. Develop a "code" word to let him know he's getting "wound up" and is not being a good host.
If Matthew struggles with regaining control, step in and suggest making snacks or introduce a project. Distract them. Be prepared with a "bag of tricks".
Have something for Sam to take home as a reminder of the good time they had playing together. This is called a "transition object" and once Sam gets home, he'll keep Matthew in mind. Consider scheduling the play date on Sunday so that Monday, the event is still fresh.
After Sam leaves, give Matthew a bit of time to relax and then briefly review the areas that need practice and the ones where he was really "spot on".
Have another play date or two and then, arrange for an outing such as the movies, an aquarium or a museum. Follow the same guidelines for each meeting.
Tell Matthew's teacher about the play dates and ask how the relationship is developing. Avoid asking for too many details because teachers are not supposed to be talking about other students to adults who aren't their parents.
Remember, for any changes to be meaningful, it has to be "baby steps" followed by practice. Don't expect a lot and don't push! Good luck!
TTFN, Claudia
Follow me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
TTFN, Claudia
Follow me on Facebook at Dr. Claudia McCulloch
