On the Thursday, April 14th segment on The Ranch, 99.1 FM, we talked about a concept you're likely to have felt, but did not realize that it has a name... "goodness of fit". [We have a name for everything!] It's a fairly straightforward idea, but it's not about clothing. It's about the emotional reactivity, irritability, energy level, values and other aspects of personality that are in contrast to yours.
For example, your sister is high energy; she's quick to react emotionally and you, well, you're calm and deliberate. You can take her only in small doses and you carefully orchestrate when and under what circumstances you can interact with her comfortably. You have to "brace" yourself to see her.
For example, your sister is high energy; she's quick to react emotionally and you, well, you're calm and deliberate. You can take her only in small doses and you carefully orchestrate when and under what circumstances you can interact with her comfortably. You have to "brace" yourself to see her.
"Goodness of fit" is the reason you're happy to see some people come through the door and become tense when others enter. The level of "sympatico" you feel for someone starts with neurology. As soon as the sperm hits the egg, your neurology, nervous system, begins to form. You are your neurology. If you are a "Buddha" temperament, you're gonna feel uncomfortable with a "super Tigger".
Think about your closest friend. What makes you enjoy that person? Consider their characteristics. Are they good listeners? Share your same values? Enjoy similar interests? Likely...
Now, think about those with whom you avoid interacting. What's their deal? Obnoxious? Angry? Irritable? Competitive? Gossipy? Boastful? Self-centered?
Folks who share your "kind" of neurology are likely to develop the same kinds of interests and values as you. Remember, you are your neurology. It is not likely that a "super Tigger" or someone with boundless energy, is going to enjoy the symphony, ballet or a quiet evening reading with you.
Values are developed as a result of experiences interacting with the mind. Uh oh...there's that "brain" thing again. The brain is the hardware and the mind is the software, so to speak. People who value interacting with others, helping others and being aware of others have brains and minds that are geared in that direction.
Can you see how an ADHD neurology suffers from problems with social interaction and "goodness of fit" with their peers? This "fit" issue keeps them from having healthy, age-appropriate interactions which, in turn, keep them from developing their social skills resulting in lags from 30%-50% when compared to their age peers. Uh oh.
Now, think about those with whom you avoid interacting. What's their deal? Obnoxious? Angry? Irritable? Competitive? Gossipy? Boastful? Self-centered?
Folks who share your "kind" of neurology are likely to develop the same kinds of interests and values as you. Remember, you are your neurology. It is not likely that a "super Tigger" or someone with boundless energy, is going to enjoy the symphony, ballet or a quiet evening reading with you.
Values are developed as a result of experiences interacting with the mind. Uh oh...there's that "brain" thing again. The brain is the hardware and the mind is the software, so to speak. People who value interacting with others, helping others and being aware of others have brains and minds that are geared in that direction.
Can you see how an ADHD neurology suffers from problems with social interaction and "goodness of fit" with their peers? This "fit" issue keeps them from having healthy, age-appropriate interactions which, in turn, keep them from developing their social skills resulting in lags from 30%-50% when compared to their age peers. Uh oh.
Are you a list-maker? Do you have daily goals? Does your partner "wing it" and create tension that becomes unbearable?
Is your spouse emotionally reserved and you're uninhibited in your expressions?
Is your child irritable, emotionally reactive and negative and you're wildly optimistic?
Is your co-worker competitive, egotistical and sarcastic to the point of hurting everyone's feelings while you are supportive, cooperative, selfless and sensitive to the needs of others?
HOW, oh HOW do you live and thrive in these circumstances, especially when they are family and you can't escape them?
TTFN! Claudia
Is your spouse emotionally reserved and you're uninhibited in your expressions?
Is your child irritable, emotionally reactive and negative and you're wildly optimistic?
Is your co-worker competitive, egotistical and sarcastic to the point of hurting everyone's feelings while you are supportive, cooperative, selfless and sensitive to the needs of others?
HOW, oh HOW do you live and thrive in these circumstances, especially when they are family and you can't escape them?
- Observe. Gather data about their "goodness of fit". Where are their needs gnashing up against others?
- What is their energy level? Irritability level? Awareness of themselves and others? Where do they land on the optimism-pessimism continuum? What is their level of anger, competition, insecurity?
- Make some decisions about what you can realistically expect from them.
- DON'T TAKE THEIR "STUFF" PERSONALLY!
- Orchestrate your interactions with them so that you can train them to have healthy interactions with you. Catch them when the "fit" is "better".
TTFN! Claudia
